For Sara, forever ago

In memory of Sara Yehudis, who passed silently on Wednesday 27th October 2021, a huge, quiet hole in my heart.

You came from forty shades of everything under the sun-

Not that you saw that wretched sun regularly.

Such struggles, I imagine, we know less than half.

My darling, you suffered.

Through these hours since you have passed, the turmoil, the search for the next of kin, the formal identification, the endlessness.

I find myself in two parts. One part numb; sleep-deprived, malnourished but not hungry. The other part, finds itself on the outside looking in.

This could have been me. Levaya without kaddish, no shiva. The inate human selfishness kicks in- who will sit for me when it is my turn?

Sara my love, take me with you. Let us go to a quiet place above and paint watercolours of those strange people and places we encountered down below, or let us idealize, fantasize, artistic liscence.

Is it my time too? I long for the return of my alienated happiness, but have given up hope of its full restitution.

I wonder if you forgive us, if you can ever forgive my ignorant heart, which stubbornly keeps beating, as yours waits patiently to be reunited with the earth from whence it came.

Failure, is the only lesson I take from this, my dearest friend.

My love, I promise you all the forbidden things. I will shout kaddish over the mechitza. I will eulogize you until the cows come home and the walls come down.

Morte tua, vita mia.

If ever there was a time to scream:

Illegitimi non carborundum

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