My Forever God

June 20, 2021 § Leave a comment

If you have ever been inside a manmade cave
You will know what I am talking about.

Nothing can penetrate the stone above and below.

Its cold surround disappears all of the noise and light and life above water level.

I used to call it going to ground.

I long to be inside you, world.

The Soul

June 16, 2021 § Leave a comment

In Tel Aviv, sex hurts.

Love without intimacy.

Intimacy without love.

That UTI you had three hours after an orgasm.

The price of pleasure is almost always pain.

It is almost always unbearable.

It requires hospitalization.

Your soul is punishing you for this assault on monogamy.

What you long for is somehow always out of reach.

And so here

In this dirty, anonymous city, you cleanse your mind of limitations.

You bear unbearable pain.

You forget the sonograms, and list of names, and the loss and the grief, and you turn emotional pain into physical pain.

It would be easier to jump from the Azrieli, but the windows do not open.

There is no way out.

You are cut off from your people, on the level of the soul,

Which is not higher, or lower, but deeper

So deep

That when you screw

Your soul emerges

Clean

Crying

Wrathful

Wretched

Lost

Scarred

Hopeless

Shuddering

In utter despair.

There are ways in which to break a soul-

Not so easily repaired.

Grief

June 15, 2021 § 2 Comments

Grief too, is a part of life and love.

One cannot love without losing, one cannot live without loss, from time to time.

How we deal with grief shapes our lifes, carves out a hunger in us to survive, love again, to live.

Love V

June 12, 2021 § Leave a comment

Battles fought and lost have been less violent.

War brought us together and peace drove us apart.

I almost lost myself- I almost lost myself.

Perhaps my place in this world is merely that of a scribe, as though a medieval spirit pervaded.

The ugliest battlefield is the human heart; how quickly it is overcome, invaded and defeated.

I live to tell a sorry tale.

Love IV

June 11, 2021 § Leave a comment

Sometimes we arrive at a place where Hashem asks us to lay down all of our weapons.

One by one.

Self-defence mechanisms, weapons of mass emotional destruction, weapons consisting of words and emotions, namely, fear.

Sometimes we come to a place where there simply is no space for both us and our weapons. Sometimes we are asked to leave the weapons outside, in order to enter.

Sometimes we are unable to do that, willingly, and always reach back for our weapons.

Therefore, love does not blossom.

Words

June 11, 2021 § Leave a comment

We live in a world where words are not important at all, or they are everything. We can either live with them, or banish them. Pronouns have had a tough time in recent years. A lot of instability and homelessness. Let’s give those gypsy pronouns some space to call home, here.

Post Covid: Alterations to the Soul

June 11, 2021 § Leave a comment

True happiness lies in the acknowledgement of the soul’s incapacity to escape loneliness, its need to embrace loneliness.

The souls of men set out to seek self-fulfilling prophecies, but rather should be moulded with discipline, and acknowledgment of the human reality.

This is not a perspective, rather it is very profound acceptance of the facts that define our existence.

Music when the lights go out

June 11, 2021 § Leave a comment

Recently I have been feeling that I am in the wrong body- wrong life.

I am trapped inside the wrong person.

And the only way to escape this prison, anguish, pain, severe loneliness, is to pass out of this body and this lifetime, and into the next one, whatever that might be.

I need to feel the love and grief of passing.

I need to let go out this difficult, arduous lifetime, the body that was granted me in this world, which experienced so much abuse, addiction, grief, tides and oceans of loneliness without another soul for miles of water and horizon.

To feel misunderstood and unappreciated by everyone can be a terrible life sentence and a mental anguish.

Perhaps what I need is not death, or to occupy and new life, body and mind.

Perhaps what I need is to come out of this experience, cross over the ocean, amd make peace with being a lovely, lonely soul.

Maybe I need to transend my own needs for validation, security, love, constant reassuring, to feel cared for- my emotional deprivations are controlling my ability to lead a happy, lonely life.

Perhaps that is the project. Happy, self-fulfilling, loneliness.

Where Am I?

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