Letter to HKBH on Erev Yom Kippur 5781

September 27, 2020 § Leave a comment

Thirty one steps in the sand; each heavier than the last.

My G-d, my creator, please allow me to lean on you.

If you will not carry me, if I am no longer a child-

I will accept the responsibility to walk alone.

But I will never stop davening for your presence, your forgiveness, for all the wrongs against my body, my life, my soul, my spirit.

A dark year.

Broken promises.

A terrible mistake.

A light came over me one sunny, wintry morning, on the terrible way to Tel Aviv, to do the inevitable, evil thing.

Sacrifice a life, save another.

I took life into my own hands- a dangerous move.

In a way, hopeless spirited as I am, Adon Olam, I am saying, I was saying- I was sending a message to you, that I have not given up on myself yet.

I wish to shake off all the nightmares before the dream begins. Why bring another life into my nightmare?

I beg you, Avinu Malkeinu, do not focus on my selfishness, for yes, I have acted to protect my life even when I believed it to be worthless to the world, You, and myself.

Let me follow my heart. Let me hold the child inside. Let me heal my childhood. Let me let go of old resentments. Let me let go of fear and anger that are causing me to cause pain to myself and others. Let me find a sustainable peace. Let me shake my harmful habits. Surround me with friends, keep my enemies far, let me find peace and a nest. Let me love and not judge so quickly, let me forgive if not forget, for the sake of my inner historian. Let me open a new chapter.

Restore me to life, Adon Olam, restore my life to me. Let me detach from this limbo that I created to protect myself because I did not trust you to take care of me, carefully and without pain, so that my fear of others does not overcome me.

Restore me to life, and not reliance on dark hiding places, spiritual or physical. Let me free myself from anything that is holding me back or tying me down.

Let me open this new chapter and live the remarkable life I should have had, oh G-d, my G-d.

I ask you now, because on your day, Yom Kippur, I am forbidden to ask anything of you, other than your pardon. Let my name be entered in the Book of Life; let me begin, again.

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