Letter to HKBH on Erev Yom Kippur 5781

Thirty one steps in the sand; each heavier than the last.

My G-d, my creator, please allow me to lean on you.

If you will not carry me, if I am no longer a child-

I will accept the responsibility to walk alone.

But I will never stop davening for your presence, your forgiveness, for all the wrongs against my body, my life, my soul, my spirit.

A dark year.

Broken promises.

A terrible mistake.

A light came over me one sunny, wintry morning, on the terrible way to Tel Aviv, to do the inevitable, evil thing.

Sacrifice a life, save another.

I took life into my own hands- a dangerous move.

In a way, hopeless spirited as I am, Adon Olam, I am saying, I was saying- I was sending a message to you, that I have not given up on myself yet.

I wish to shake off all the nightmares before the dream begins. Why bring another life into my nightmare?

I beg you, Avinu Malkeinu, do not focus on my selfishness, for yes, I have acted to protect my life even when I believed it to be worthless to the world, You, and myself.

Let me follow my heart. Let me hold the child inside. Let me heal my childhood. Let me let go of old resentments. Let me let go of fear and anger that are causing me to cause pain to myself and others. Let me find a sustainable peace. Let me shake my harmful habits. Surround me with friends, keep my enemies far, let me find peace and a nest. Let me love and not judge so quickly, let me forgive if not forget, for the sake of my inner historian. Let me open a new chapter.

Restore me to life, Adon Olam, restore my life to me. Let me detach from this limbo that I created to protect myself because I did not trust you to take care of me, carefully and without pain, so that my fear of others does not overcome me.

Restore me to life, and not reliance on dark hiding places, spiritual or physical. Let me free myself from anything that is holding me back or tying me down.

Let me open this new chapter and live the remarkable life I should have had, oh G-d, my G-d.

I ask you now, because on your day, Yom Kippur, I am forbidden to ask anything of you, other than your pardon. Let my name be entered in the Book of Life; let me begin, again.

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An Old Promise

Recovery

There was a period in which you did not write.

Rather, your hands rested loosely in your lap.

Loosely, uselessly.

Recently, you have come to the conclusion that your only purpose here is to write, observe, capture the world in action.

A world of pain inside a broken, damaged, wretched wound of a woman.

The hope comes from writing.

Poetry was G-d first

Because you loved,

No man dared to put a thought

To your blonde head, resting

Cheeks on the horizon of white waves

Frothing in a cement pan.

Because you loved, no man dared.

Self-Care

Nothing can fill the vacuum inside me, except me.

The Children, or, The Book of Life

I came to Jerusalem to confront G-d.

Not in anger but of pure, blind curiosity.

How does he justify his actions, his creation?

Instead I began to write in Jerusalem, and I wrote about the people.

The people who hate me for no reason, out of jealousy, spite or rage. The kind of hate that can only be removed by me being removed, all of me. My presence, my memory, my name in the book of life. Hatred wipes us out, one at a time.

Little sister, big sister, queen bee, broken bee.

We came from one mother, but we are never to reunite, in any lifetime.

YK

I have known for a long time

That I long for everything to be over

That I long to be at peace

And sleep my final sleep.

I wait, but there may come a day

When patience runs out.

Ellul

I felt G-d

Leak into the light

Lapping on the surface of the water.

I felt G-d seeing me,

Small and white and happy

In his sea.

Annulment of Vows

From a thin red line

To a thin blue line-

My heart drops into my stomach as I watch you disapppear.

Many times I have thought of my promise to you-

While breaking it,

While utterly unable to keep it.

Yet, a promise made does not fade.

Mirror, mirror

Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.