Everything I give is everything that I keep.

October 15, 2010 § Leave a comment

Do you understand this?

With your backpack and your big oily whale-black eyes.

I think you’re wonderful. This is why we will both die alone and I will never reach for words under my tongue. What would a wonder want with wee me? I push them words down down down and swallow them, they disappear like stars driven to distraction by morning sunlight.

And when I cycled right into an Escort and thought ‘go to Naples’ I was really truly thinking how truly sadly I missed you this morning.

And then there you were, with the suddenness of a sapling shooting from snowed-upon ground. You never turn you never turn you have turned but not this time. I want to backtrack and do some wonderful and Saint Joan-ish miracle thing. Just turn. Right around.

Perhaps it is too late, but if I see you on Parade I will try to communicate with my gaze how sorry I am that I cannot speak because the blood is thundering in my head like horses on a track, on its addled way to my heart. Hear it? I knew you wouldn’t.

I think I’ve thought too much about you now for you to ever be real, and I am to blame. I am not brave, I am not brave.

And I like the ‘you’ in my head, for you are my puppet, and I lift you up and down upon my skin and I pretend pretend pretend. I cannot prevent you from becoming.

It is time tickity tock. Decision. Between a dream of a man, or the man behind the dream. Frankly I fear this all or nothing situation. I’d like a little of both, or neither. I do not want to be broken again. The ‘you’ in my head can break me as surely as you can, but were it last year I would not understand. This, or anything.

So it is time. Tickity tickity tock talk tockity tickity talk to me.


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