September 18, 2010 § Leave a comment
I had a lot of thoughts last night cycling home from N & S when I felt a little hollow and my heart was half-numb.
1. I want a magician. I want a lover with a good heart who takes dull and mundane moments and makes them beautiful- whsssht, fizzp, cazza. Magic. But I want the end result to appear beautiful only to me. I’m selfish like that.
2. Why am I so unhappy with my safety belt on? Why do I dip my finger in the danger pot and immediately become an addict? Oh my. I think my loss of self, of petty romance, of unrealistic dreams is like a curtain. At least I hope it is. I hope it can be pushed to one side and I’ll be wide wide open like a window like a world like an eye or two.
3. This is it this is my experience it makes me ‘I’.
4. Stop telling me, oh voices of mine, that this isn’t it, this can’t be it, it’s too early and I cannot skip ahead. I must face the forests first and walk through the fuzz to get to the clearing. Stop telling me that young plus love do not equal always. I hate your mothball maths.
5. I mean, what if, everyday, it happens- the real thing, swinging its way towards us. But we shake our heads and count our toes and refuse to believe it because ‘it’s too soon it’s too early it’s too late’ whatever. What if everyday we let it sidle by, because we’re not ‘ready’ or we like our safety, or we’re screaming terrified.
6. There is some pride in having the courage to step outside, remove your safety belt, get hurt, make some mistakes, live a little. I sometimes think I blame myself for getting hurt- ‘oh me oh my, but it won’t happen again, I won’t let it happen, I was too open, I am to blame, I must be curtained to ‘them’ rather than blinded by my feelings.’ It’s probably one percent my fault, but I didn’t choose to get hurt y’know, I just got hurt, I wasn’t looking for punishment it just happened.
7. It’s raining again. I’m off to the market to pick up a fiver guitar and pretend it didn’t happen again. Some day you will come along and knock me over with a feather and sweep me off my feet and ride off into the sunset with me clinging to the back of your bicycle. I mean, I wish it was sooner, but I don’t mind waiting for something that special.
8. I am a dreamer. Times are hard. But they must be harder for those without dreams.